Something I was told growing up as a child

When I was still relatively young I was told that I wasn’t wanted as a child, I don’t know how true this was and I won’t pry and ask such a question for a really dark subject. I felt a sickness in the pit of my stomach when I heard those words and I got light-headed because as a kid you don’t want to hear those type of things. Thinking back on that situation I can still feel and hear those words and I do feel like I should know the truth but bringing it up now would do no good especially because my mother has passed. I’d want it to be something I could sit and have a discussion about with both parties involved, that way the finger couldn’t be pointed and blame isn’t thrown one way. Sometimes I feel angry at the thought of it, other days I feel like maybe it would’ve been better that way. I’d like to forget it all but I know that’s not possible, maybe I should just get to the truth but I’m worried my anxiety can’t handle it and with how my brain is right now perhaps I should keep my mouth shut until further notice… These are things I think about daily and it burns me up the more it goes on, sometimes I wanna disappear but running will do nothing so I’ll stay and keep fighting for the better.