Month: November 2018

My week wasn’t bad but it wasn’t good either, I was constantly feeling like I needed time alone or I couldn’t be any better. But yesterday I was feeling really good because I got to finish up some things that I’ve been working on and on top of that I didn’t feel like I was in shambles and no voices in my head. Maybe yesterday was something of an anomaly because I don’t usually feel that good nor do I not feel like I have nothing to worry about, I was pretty happy about that he whole thing and I did have a slight bit of anxiety because I was thinking for a bit that this is too good to be true and something will most likely happen to ruin this mood I’m enjoying. I kept productive to keep my mind off of things and it kinda worked, I had a nice conversation with a great person which turned out to be something to lift my spirits even more. Today I feel good still and I’m wanting to get even more stuff done which I will be doing, I might do some exercises today that will relax my body and mind that way I can keep my anxiety non-existent for the most part. I’ll probably go on this trail I see people biking and running on, I’ve lived here for almost a year now and still have not checked it out yet, maybe I’ll meet some interesting people who deal with the same issues I do which means I’ll be possibly be able to gain some insight on what else I can do to not worry so much.

I took a quick break for the holiday so that I could rejuvenate and come here with something a little lighter to give you all so you could enjoy but instead I don’t have anything to give except my sorry sad self. I don’t feel good about myself or anything for that matter and right about now I don’t care to feel any better, remember my last post about how I said something might be happening that’s not good? Well it happened and I’m not surprised one bit because that’s usually how it goes when it comes to that part of my life so I’m not all that surprised, I’m more disappointed than anything especially because it seemed like a sure thing but I should’ve known better. I don’t have the slightest bit of happiness right now and I’m not gonna try and make the most out of it and force myself to be happy, I feel like I should stop breathing and let go, I feel like everyone can smile except me. I’m at a limit of what I can handle and I’m just ready to throw in the towel and leave everything behind, it’ll be someone else’s problem and at least I’ll have some peace of mind. I know it’s not ok to think that way but I’m not feeling great so it’s all I got at the moment, I know this wasn’t something anyone wanted to read but this is my blog and this is what I’m feeling right now. I could’ve lied to everyone and made some random shit up but that’s not what I do and I damn sure won’t do that to the person who believes in me to do great things with this blog and gave me this opportunity to tell my story. I love her dearly and too much to just throw this away, I wanna feel happy at some point but right about now that won’t happen and it’s gonna take awhile if I’m gonna recover at all. I hate this feeling and I should hate a lot of things that caused this but I’m not gonna go down that road for safety reasons for me and that situation. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t around…

I’m not having the best night, I feel like I’m gonna be in a million pieces before the night is over. I’m feeling like no matter what I do it’s not gonna change the fact of what’s going on, I can’t say what exactly is going on but I can say that it’s not going to be great with my anxiety and mental health. I’m trying to hold it together but I have so many scenarios playing out in my head and it’s not pretty, I don’t want to jump to conclusions but I have nothing to go on and it’s bothering me deeply. I just want a sign that everything will be ok and that it’s just in my head, I’m afraid that something will happen to me if I don’t get a response or if what I’m thinking will happen does indeed go through… My head is spinning and I’m just feeling like I’m approaching my limit with everything and it’s got me in a spiral, I wanna stop thinking about negative thoughts but I can’t shake the feeling that something will end up being bad and with my luck it’ll probably happen. I won’t be able to sleep tonight for sure and I’m already upset about that, I wanna feel numb and I wanna erase these feelings of pain but I have to sit here and deal with them until I know exactly what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna try and wait it out with extreme stress and hopefully something happens in a good way 😢

I went to see my sister, I gave her a surprise visit and she was thrilled. She’s close to recovery which means she’ll be released sooner rather than later, we were reminiscing about growing up and talking about things we will do once she gets out. She’s missed out on the last 3 years so she wants to catch up on a lot of things, finally going to college is one thing she wants to do even if it has to be online, she’s been in there right after she graduated high school so I can definitely tell she’s ready to start her life as an adult now. I’ll be taking care of her so she’ll always have some help with any of her medical needs on top of anything else around the house, I’ll make sure she’s very comfortable which in turn will make my stress and anxiety much better. Seeing her recover under my care will still have it’s moments of stress due to me over thinking something will go wrong but I’ll be confident I can do a good job. I’ve been feeling like she’s a little down on herself because she needs a caretaker but I know she is aware that it isn’t her fault that her body decided to screw her over, I’m always feeling like I need to stress out over her health and how much I need to do to make sure I screw up her situation anymore than it already is. I’m a little confident I’ll be of some help if even for a little bit, I’ll make sure I can be the best help she needs that way we can both relax in comfort and stress free.

Sorry for the delay with a new post, I had a busy couple days and I really needed to get my energy back. I’m not feeling so stressed out now that my sister and her recovery is starting to pick up more. She’s been getting her breathing back to the point she is no longer on a machine to help out, the only issue now is her walking which she still needs a wheelchair to get around. It’s a huge relief off of my mind because now I don’t think about if she’ll stop breathing anymore, my anxiety was constantly up thinking about losing her. Today I woke up more calm than I’ve been in months and that’s most likely due to the fact that so far I haven’t received any type of ridiculous news concerning any bad situations with family. I wish I could see a smile from my mother and grandmother because I know they’d tell me I’m doing a good job with what I was entrusted, I wanna continue to make them proud so they can see that I’m not slacking off and them giving me an important job wasn’t for nothing. I was looking at the last two photos they were in before leaving me and had some tears, I miss them so much and would give anything to see them one last time, I’d do anything to see a smile and spend a whole 24 hours with them again. I do often think about this and part of it is where my stress falls from, I don’t wanna always be down and out but this is something that can’t be helped. I won’t let it stop me from living my life though, I’ll keep myself up and running for my family.

Today is my Grandmother’s Birthday, she passed away a few months after my mother from Brain & Lung Cancer. It’s not something I wanna think about but it’s not easy to let it go, when my mother suddenly passed the family took over what she was doing by caring for her so she’d be comfortable. We knew she’d eventually pass but it was still hard to accept that fact, we wanted her to be as comfortable as possible while she fought her illness. Me, my sister and girlfriend at the time moved in with her so that we could keep an eye on her. I’m thankful my mother wasn’t here to see her passing but I’m also upset that she didn’t get to see her mother one last time before she passed away. Watching her go back and forth to her Chemotherapy appointments were depressing but I knew she needed to go so that it would give her a fighting chance, it was a long shot but any type of medical help was enough to ease my anxiety. I didn’t wanna tell anyone that I was feeling like running away because it was so much going on with a sudden death from my mother then my grandmother getting worse, she woke up one morning saying it was hard for her to breathe so we got her to a hospital. Finding out she needed a machine to help with her breathing and that she only had a week at the most made my mental health skyrocket, it was too close to my mother leaving me and I was nowhere near over that. The days were going by and all we could think about is how bad our luck was that year, we got so much stress added on that I contemplated suicide for a sec. I kept it to myself because I was trying to be strong in front of my family, we went to the hospital on the last day they had to take her off the machine and we had our last moments with her playing all her favorite music. I looked at her eyes get weaker and weaker until she finally closed them, the doctor came over and then the line finally came out, she had finally passed… So many tears and people walking out from this that made me not wanna be there anymore, we left out the room and I just couldn’t really breathe. I told everyone I was alright but really deep down I wanted to let it all go…

Hello world, today will be a sort of different post on my weekend, I had a relatively good one which was good because I didn’t need the added stress on top of adulting. I feel some relief with my mental health so I’m actually all smiles today versus other days when I’m feeling like I wanna rip someone head off. I’ve been doing nothing but keeping my head straight with positive thoughts and had nothing but positive energy around me this weekend, had a nice chat with my sister about the holidays and if course I’m gonna be visiting her while she’s disabled and in a rehabilitation center. She’s pretty excited about the holidays to come since she knows she won’t be alone, I wish I could take her out of there but it’ll be ok since she’ll be surrounded by loved ones. Going into the week I’d like for everything to stay as they are right now, it’s the best I’ve been feeling these past 2 months and I want the feeling to continue on. I’ll most likely be doing my Thanksgiving shopping this week and start preparing for the long and tedious cooking, I’m doing it a little big this year so I want it all to be perfect and most importantly I want to be able to give my sister a nice Thanksgiving feast while she’s recovering. I guess we will see how everything pans out for the most part but I’m confident that it will. For the rest of the day I’m gonna relax and keep myself busy from my thoughts and stay occupied, it’s pretty cold out so if I do leave out for walk or something I’ll be sure to come back in before I get sick. I’m gonna call my brothers and see if they’ll be coming by or if they have plans with their own friends and families. I hope to post another positive post tomorrow, it’ll be nice to go 2-0 just once.

So today I woke up with a thought of “How would people react if I wasn’t able to control my Schizophrenia?” I wonder what it would be like if it was so terrible that I’d need to restrained, would people see me differently? I’m grateful that I don’t have any extreme outbursts but I am worried that it’ll happen one day or it’s at least on my mind. If friends and family alike are around if that happens I’d like to be able to count on them to calm me down and be reasonable about my condition, I don’t want them to be afraid of me and think I’ll harm them or myself. It’s a constant thought due to me not being on medication even though I’ve been on it as a teen, I feel alright for the most part but should I get my prescription back to be on the safe side? Is that a good idea? I’m afraid of later down the road because it’s a possibility that I’ll lose control and not be aware of what I’m doing. I have a really good support system but witnessing an episode in person is different than hearing about it, I don’t want anyone afraid of me. I wish I could talk with someone who thinks about these scenarios the way I do, then maybe I could get some insight on what to do if things go awry.

You ever have those days where you are feeling like you can’t keep up with something you promised a loved one that you’ll handle? That’s what I’m feeling like today even though I have been doing it for the past 2 years. I made a promise to my mother that I’ll look after my sister and brothers once she was gone, she entrusted me with all of her affairs and with my sister getting into her accident on top of her getting sick I can feel the pressure all around me. I talk to her all the time and she tells me to stop worrying about her so much that it’ll cause me to stop living my life, she says she’d rather see me happy more than anything. I want her health to be better and I want my anxiety to stop kicking my fucking ass whenever I get a phone call from her because I’m afraid it’ll be terrible news. My promise to my mother has been a priority over anything else, I wonder if something changed with those priorities would I be considered a failure or will it just disappoint both my mother and sister? I wish I could speak to her and get some comfort or insight on what I could do to not drop everything and say fuck it, sometimes it just feels easier to throw in the towel and accept defeat. At this point I’d feel so much better without having any responsibilities but at the cost of letting my mother down it’d be unacceptable so I’ll just roll with it, seriously fuck mental health and everything else wrong with it. I hate feeling like a burden and I just wanna feel what it’s like to not have inner issues for once, even if it’s just 5 minutes. I hope I don’t let it win for my siblings sake because right now I feel like it’s gonna be a 0-1 situation and that’s not good for anyone especially in our lives at this exact point and time…

The day of my mother’s funeral was a stressful one, the night prior I had a really difficult time sleeping due to the anxiety and thoughts of what was to come. I tossed and turned that night because of the pressure of letting her go and crying hard was making me more & more angry. I woke up at 4am and sat in her room just looking around at all her belongings, I don’t know if it was weird or not but I made a resting pile of her clothes as a pillow and laid back and just closed my eyes and tried to breathe in, I wasn’t sure if I could sleep let alone relax even the slightest. When morning arrived I was less than stellar because my head was spinning and the feeling of guilt began to sink in, I was feeling guilty because I somehow felt that I should’ve been there and I know it does seem silly to think that. Getting dressed and clothed I could feel my hands shaking and my heavy breathing at the reality of my mother being dead was becoming more apparent, I went to check on my sister and see how she was feeling with today’s situation and she wasn’t feeling so hot. I didn’t wanna bug her due to how my anxiety was acting so I went to continue getting ready. I called my younger brother and told him of everything that would be going on and he was a little relieved to know that it was his siblings that were taking care of everything so I felt a little at ease as far as him. Once we were all prepped and everything we went to the funeral home to where her service was taking place, I fought so hard to keep it together as I walked in and seeing her laying there was too much for my thoughts to contain. The service went as planned and being so close to her body and seeing it just lifeless made me feel weak and I could see the hurt in everyone else too, I wanted to walk away so badly but I couldn’t do that to her seeing as this day will be my last to spend any moments together. After the service we all got escorts to the site where she will be buried but when we arrived I didn’t know I was gonna be one of the people who had to bury her and I felt a sudden coldness in my heart that made me wanna pass out. Looking at that deep hole and my mother’s casket as we put her down in there after a few prayers gave me a sense of reasoning for a sec to convince myself that she could be at peace from her health decline, shoveling all the dirt back on top once again made that feeling go away and my mental health tried to fight back to make me believe that it was my fault. I got it together once my grandmother came over and talked to me because it was her own daughter that had this tragedy so me not being myself wouldn’t have been fair to her. I think about what could’ve been different that day if it wasn’t a perfect plan to send her off peacefully but I’m glad it worked out for the best.