Month: December 2018

Giving an update on my health status for you all, I’m still feeling a little under the weather but it’s not like it was yesterday which is a plus so I’m definitely happy about that one. My soreness is still there but it’s more tolerable than yesterday and I can move around a bit more than usual, I still have the the pain in my throat which didn’t subside at all but I did drink more tea today so it gave it a little soothing and it kept me calm for a bit. On a plus side my anxiety hasn’t been up today at least when it came to my Schizophrenia which I am so grateful for, but I did have a tad bit of it when I seen that other parts of my health were getting better but my throat was still giving me a hard way to go. I want more progress tomorrow and I’m hoping that I can get better soon, I said I was hoping to be better by Monday but seeing as how that didn’t come to fruition I’ll settle for the middle of the week. I know I shouldn’t be rushing to get better but I wanna recover quick so that I can get on with my more serious problems known as my mental health. I talked to my mother today in my head and wanted some insight on how I can better deal with the things piling up, I really miss her and I wish that my conversation was real because the more I think about her the more I get depressed that she’s gone and not coming back. If she were here I’d definitely be feeling like I can survive without fear of myself, she was more than my support system and without her I feel vulnerable to self harm which is something I’m trying hard not to do. This is something that I’ll tell my therapist when it comes time for my appointment, hopefully I get an answer on what I can do to survive my own inner demons.

Today I awoke with some soreness in my body, a sore throat and a headache, I’m most definitely getting sick and it’s not a great feeling at all. I was gonna use today to get myself prepared for my medication that I’ll eventually be getting back on but that didn’t go as planned due to the circumstances, I’m not really upset at it but I’m am pissed that I’m getting sick because it puts a damper on things like going to my appointments. I got a flu shot so I know it’s not that and so far I’m not vomiting but I did have so e stomach pains for a small bit, hopefully it’ll pass on by Monday because I’d really like to get a jump start on my more important errands. I’ve literally been drinking tea all day and it’s been helping with my throat but I can only take so much of it before I get sick and tired of the taste, I also had some cough drops and that’s been a huge help as well. You ever have those times where you overthink things like for example you getting a serious illness? Well that’s what I’m doing at this moment, I’m feeling like I may be catching something that I’ll need a quick prescription for and that’s due to the stomach pains I’ve been having today. I’m gonna keep up what I’ve been doing to keep it in check and hopefully it’s just a cold and the stomach pain is just from something I ate that’s not sitting well due to my weak body right now, I’ll have someone keep an eye on my symptoms along side with me so that I don’t miss anything, I don’t wanna leave anything up to chance at all. I’ll use the rest of the day to take it easy and see what tomorrow brings with an update, until then I bid thee farewell.

For the past few days I’ve been feeling like complete shit when I have woken up, so I’ve decided that I’ll speak to someone about getting back on medication for my own sanity and safety. I don’t know why I’ve been falling back to my old feelings I had growing up as a kid but I don’t want it to progress even further than it has been back then, I’m a little scared of taking meds again but it’s for the best so at least I’ll have a way of keeping myself in check. I remember the feeling they gave me back then, I wasn’t a fan of it and I’m pretty sure this time won’t be any better. I have people who are there for me so I’m not worried about the lack of a support system at all, I think I’ll give my doctor a call after the weekend and schedule an appointment. I may have to schedule an appointment with a therapist too so that he/she will know what I’m dealing with and maybe get a better understanding of what I’m feeling, my head is killing me from just all the stress and sudden decisions of trying to better myself and push forward. I’ll need to have a talk with my siblings about my recent feelings also, they need to know about the thoughts I’ve been having so they’ll also be on guard if I need any treatment. I don’t like having extreme amounts of anxiety but it’s uncontrollable and it’s pushing me closer and closer to the edge and I’m scared of it. I hope I can get it together soon, I know it’ll take time but at this moment time is all I have to give.

Last night I had a hard time sleeping, I was hearing the voices in my head again and it was bothersome to a serious extent. I don’t know why it happened or remember what I was hearing but it bothered me a shit ton and I didn’t get any rest until 4am even though I tried going to bed at 10pm the night before. Today I woke up with a serious headache and I’m pretty sure that’s due to all the tossing and turning I’ve endured all night long, I’m still very tired as I type this and it’s hard to concentrate without taking a step back to gather myself. I wish I knew why I was having this problem but when you have Schizophrenia there is no reason to how or why you have sudden bursts of anxiety, depression and random thoughts, I’m getting to a point where maybe I should check myself into a facility to see if that’ll calm me down or should I just take medication again because that’s all I’m seeing at the moment that’ll help me. I know I said these things on my last post but it’s becoming more apparent that I’m heading back to how I was before when I was a kid with therapy and medication. I’m not feeling like I’ll get back to my version of normal unless I take these steps and something is telling me that I should but then I have this notion of maybe it’s all in my head and that’s what the voices want me to believe, I’m scared and worried that I’ll end up gone or something and I could’ve done something to prevent it. I can only keep myself distracted with my hobbies for so long and the more I keep putting it off the worse I think I’ll get, I think it’s maybe time for me to make a sudden but not drastic change…

You ever have those times when you feel as if you shouldn’t exist anymore? That was me the past couple of days which is why I was not existent on my posts, I had a talk with a friend and fellow blogger to keep myself distracted and she was very helpful. These feelings often creep up so it’s nothing new but each time it feels like it’s not getting any better, I like to have random conversation to keep myself out of my head away from the negative space that is my inner thoughts. Sometimes I drift off with headphones in and keep the music up loudly at the max so I could have a moment of relaxation, I like to feel like I’m floating away and the only thing that matters is me and my safe haven. I wish I could have a talk with my mother about my feelings because I know she’d know what to do or at the very least help me in some manner, I have a few questions I’d like to ask her concerning why I have this condition and will it ever get better? My depression isn’t something I take lightly because I know what my mind is capable of and I know that terrible things could happen if I let it consume me. I had thoughts that maybe I should get back on my medication because I don’t want to harm myself or others, I’m not entirely worried because it’s not really that bad but I am a very cautious person. I may go back to therapy and express how I feel and what I can do to keep myself in check, it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a good while now and if rather be more prepared than have to worry about me going over the edge down the road. I’ll take these things into deep and serious consideration because my mental state depends on it.

During the process of my brother being released from the hospital we had a hard time with his recovery, he wasn’t being difficult or anything just that the pain was being really unbearable for him. During his unfortunate situation he had to have his spleen removed, I don’t think I’d ever wanna know what that feels like and from what I was witnessing with his pain I was feeling like I would cry. The stitching up he had was insane and he had a constant pain in his legs, I don’t know which was more of a bother for him between the spleen removal or his legs but from the majority of his complaining I would assume it was his legs that troubled him the most. I was constantly looking at my mother’s face when she was caring for his pain, she had sudden looks of discomfort but I say that because it was the kind that seemed like she was causing him more pain even though he knew that wasn’t the case. I was helping with his healing and usually got nervous at the time of me wrapping his legs tightly with bandages to put pressure on his legs so that the pain would be more tolerable, it seemed like it wasn’t a good method but it made him feel better so I did what he wanted and my anxiety was up from the thought of making it worse and just seeing him in this condition. The days were going by and nothing seemed to get better with his health so we kept him to the wheelchair when he needed to go out, I was always worried that being out wasn’t gonna be good for him but appointments were necessary for his recovery so I swallowed my anxiety and kept quiet. It’s pretty hard to discuss this story because it is a constant memory that’s burned into my brain and when I look back on these dark times I can feel my mental issues creeping up on me as if I’m at fault for something I’m unaware of, I’ll continue on with this story and what is my life because I want you to see the real me and hopefully what you gather from these words are something that shows how I survived for this long. Until then, I sign off.

I remember when my younger brother was seriously injured a few years ago, he was shot and at that time I had no idea it even happened. One time he came back home for college break and he was out seeing his friends after a few months of being on campus so of course you’d think nothing of it, It got a little confusing when I didn’t hear from him in 2 days because I usually hear from him regardless of whatever he’s doing so me and the rest of my family were worried that something might’ve happened to we decided to check around and had others do it too. When we got a call he was in the hospital all hell broke loose, hearing that he was shot and nobody said anything until 2 days later was terrifying and fucked up royally. I remember seeing the look on my mother’s face, she was quiet and had this insane look as if she was turned to stone. I felt my stomach in my throat and having all types of thoughts running through my head, so many visions and words that seemed like it was causing my breath to shorten. I didn’t go to the hospital because I wasn’t allowed to be in there due to some sort of investigation of sorts about drugs and robbery, it was weird because my younger brother wasn’t out doing any of that so it kinda made me think maybe some sort of lie was told to cover some tracks and he was the fall guy. I remember hearing all of this and thinking someone needed to die or at least answer for the bullshit that was going on, I wanted to wake up from this nightmare because it seemed like it wasn’t real. My mother told me he had one arm handcuffed to the bar on the bed for security reasons, Obviously it was the police that opted to do that due to this “Investigation” because I knew better. My mind was in a whirlwind from the entire situation and I knew deep down in my heart that some things were gonna be different…