Built up anger…

I’ll never forget April 29, 2016… It was the day that changed everything, that day my mother passed and I feel angry that I couldn’t do anything about it. She died in her sleep from a heart attack, I found out that day she was already sick but didn’t say anything about it because of her mother fighting Brain & Lung Cancer. I shouldn’t feel this way but I can’t help but feel angry that she didn’t say anything even if the reasoning was perfect. I wanna scream sometimes because I wanted to at least know that I could be of some use until her last moments. I’ll never forget me finding her cold lifeless body on her bed, not a breath or movement at all. My heart dropped tremendously and I felt as if my world was crashing down, I called everyone important to give them the news and the call that hurt me the most was my younger brother being away in college during finals to hear the tragic news which was something he didn’t need. I’m angry because I was the most important one she confided in and with this situation she said nothing at all to me, I cried so hard at losing her and at her not telling me she had heart complications. I wanna be able to go back and at least see if I can do anything else to help prior, I wanna be able to have closure and let go of this animosity and I wanna be able to rest easier at night knowing I at least tried to make her final moments peaceful. Sometimes I wish it was me that left this world in her place instead, I’d give anything to replace my life with hers…