Remembering that day

When the family was informed of my mother’s passing it was so much pressure of how everyone would feel, not one person knew of her health condition so it was a bit much and confusing to how it all went down. After talking to my brothers I called my cousins who only lived 5 mins from me, one broke down crying over the phone and it was crushing. I remember calling my father and he was feeling like it was too much to handle especially because he was at work at the time. Later during the day people came over and we were all processing the situation while preparing how we are gonna go about her funeral, the funeral home we called were kind enough to donate the grave and it took a relief off of everyone. I still remember my head being swarmed with thoughts and I wanted to back away to be by myself but I knew I wouldn’t get that chance so I kept it together and just continued on for the sake of my siblings. Neighbors knocked on the door and were asking all types of questions and I couldn’t handle it all at once, I had my older brother come and talk to them while I went upstairs to cry and force the voices to fuck off and let me grieve. I felt a little bit better when my dad and friends got to the house, my mind was a little easier but the voices were still trying to convince me I deserved everything that happened. I had a talk with my dad about my mom that was really keeping me together, we talked about why her reasoning was the way it was for not telling anyone so I did start to understand after awhile. The thought of taking my own life came up twice that day because back then to me, living without her being alive didn’t mean shit and not worth the effort to fight for my life if it meant being without the most important thing I had. Myself and the family all got the preparations together for her burial and I felt like that would’ve made her happy, we had food brung to the house for everyone to relax and reminisce on the times we remember with her and stories of her growing up. The ending hours of the day were a lot better on my mental health because I started to back the voices away and I could finally breathe and relax on my own accord. That’s one day I’ll keep close not just because of how important it is but also because that’s a day my family would’ve lost 2 people.