So today I woke up with a thought of “How would people react if I wasn’t able to control my Schizophrenia?” I wonder what it would be like if it was so terrible that I’d need to restrained, would people see me differently? I’m grateful that I don’t have any extreme outbursts but I am worried that it’ll happen one day or it’s at least on my mind. If friends and family alike are around if that happens I’d like to be able to count on them to calm me down and be reasonable about my condition, I don’t want them to be afraid of me and think I’ll harm them or myself. It’s a constant thought due to me not being on medication even though I’ve been on it as a teen, I feel alright for the most part but should I get my prescription back to be on the safe side? Is that a good idea? I’m afraid of later down the road because it’s a possibility that I’ll lose control and not be aware of what I’m doing. I have a really good support system but witnessing an episode in person is different than hearing about it, I don’t want anyone afraid of me. I wish I could talk with someone who thinks about these scenarios the way I do, then maybe I could get some insight on what to do if things go awry.
Stressful promise
You ever have those days where you are feeling like you can’t keep up with something you promised a loved one that you’ll handle? That’s what I’m feeling like today even though I have been doing it for the past 2 years. I made a promise to my mother that I’ll look after my sister and brothers once she was gone, she entrusted me with all of her affairs and with my sister getting into her accident on top of her getting sick I can feel the pressure all around me. I talk to her all the time and she tells me to stop worrying about her so much that it’ll cause me to stop living my life, she says she’d rather see me happy more than anything. I want her health to be better and I want my anxiety to stop kicking my fucking ass whenever I get a phone call from her because I’m afraid it’ll be terrible news. My promise to my mother has been a priority over anything else, I wonder if something changed with those priorities would I be considered a failure or will it just disappoint both my mother and sister? I wish I could speak to her and get some comfort or insight on what I could do to not drop everything and say fuck it, sometimes it just feels easier to throw in the towel and accept defeat. At this point I’d feel so much better without having any responsibilities but at the cost of letting my mother down it’d be unacceptable so I’ll just roll with it, seriously fuck mental health and everything else wrong with it. I hate feeling like a burden and I just wanna feel what it’s like to not have inner issues for once, even if it’s just 5 minutes. I hope I don’t let it win for my siblings sake because right now I feel like it’s gonna be a 0-1 situation and that’s not good for anyone especially in our lives at this exact point and time…
Burying a loved one
The day of my mother’s funeral was a stressful one, the night prior I had a really difficult time sleeping due to the anxiety and thoughts of what was to come. I tossed and turned that night because of the pressure of letting her go and crying hard was making me more & more angry. I woke up at 4am and sat in her room just looking around at all her belongings, I don’t know if it was weird or not but I made a resting pile of her clothes as a pillow and laid back and just closed my eyes and tried to breathe in, I wasn’t sure if I could sleep let alone relax even the slightest. When morning arrived I was less than stellar because my head was spinning and the feeling of guilt began to sink in, I was feeling guilty because I somehow felt that I should’ve been there and I know it does seem silly to think that. Getting dressed and clothed I could feel my hands shaking and my heavy breathing at the reality of my mother being dead was becoming more apparent, I went to check on my sister and see how she was feeling with today’s situation and she wasn’t feeling so hot. I didn’t wanna bug her due to how my anxiety was acting so I went to continue getting ready. I called my younger brother and told him of everything that would be going on and he was a little relieved to know that it was his siblings that were taking care of everything so I felt a little at ease as far as him. Once we were all prepped and everything we went to the funeral home to where her service was taking place, I fought so hard to keep it together as I walked in and seeing her laying there was too much for my thoughts to contain. The service went as planned and being so close to her body and seeing it just lifeless made me feel weak and I could see the hurt in everyone else too, I wanted to walk away so badly but I couldn’t do that to her seeing as this day will be my last to spend any moments together. After the service we all got escorts to the site where she will be buried but when we arrived I didn’t know I was gonna be one of the people who had to bury her and I felt a sudden coldness in my heart that made me wanna pass out. Looking at that deep hole and my mother’s casket as we put her down in there after a few prayers gave me a sense of reasoning for a sec to convince myself that she could be at peace from her health decline, shoveling all the dirt back on top once again made that feeling go away and my mental health tried to fight back to make me believe that it was my fault. I got it together once my grandmother came over and talked to me because it was her own daughter that had this tragedy so me not being myself wouldn’t have been fair to her. I think about what could’ve been different that day if it wasn’t a perfect plan to send her off peacefully but I’m glad it worked out for the best.
Remembering that day
When the family was informed of my mother’s passing it was so much pressure of how everyone would feel, not one person knew of her health condition so it was a bit much and confusing to how it all went down. After talking to my brothers I called my cousins who only lived 5 mins from me, one broke down crying over the phone and it was crushing. I remember calling my father and he was feeling like it was too much to handle especially because he was at work at the time. Later during the day people came over and we were all processing the situation while preparing how we are gonna go about her funeral, the funeral home we called were kind enough to donate the grave and it took a relief off of everyone. I still remember my head being swarmed with thoughts and I wanted to back away to be by myself but I knew I wouldn’t get that chance so I kept it together and just continued on for the sake of my siblings. Neighbors knocked on the door and were asking all types of questions and I couldn’t handle it all at once, I had my older brother come and talk to them while I went upstairs to cry and force the voices to fuck off and let me grieve. I felt a little bit better when my dad and friends got to the house, my mind was a little easier but the voices were still trying to convince me I deserved everything that happened. I had a talk with my dad about my mom that was really keeping me together, we talked about why her reasoning was the way it was for not telling anyone so I did start to understand after awhile. The thought of taking my own life came up twice that day because back then to me, living without her being alive didn’t mean shit and not worth the effort to fight for my life if it meant being without the most important thing I had. Myself and the family all got the preparations together for her burial and I felt like that would’ve made her happy, we had food brung to the house for everyone to relax and reminisce on the times we remember with her and stories of her growing up. The ending hours of the day were a lot better on my mental health because I started to back the voices away and I could finally breathe and relax on my own accord. That’s one day I’ll keep close not just because of how important it is but also because that’s a day my family would’ve lost 2 people.
Built up anger…
I’ll never forget April 29, 2016… It was the day that changed everything, that day my mother passed and I feel angry that I couldn’t do anything about it. She died in her sleep from a heart attack, I found out that day she was already sick but didn’t say anything about it because of her mother fighting Brain & Lung Cancer. I shouldn’t feel this way but I can’t help but feel angry that she didn’t say anything even if the reasoning was perfect. I wanna scream sometimes because I wanted to at least know that I could be of some use until her last moments. I’ll never forget me finding her cold lifeless body on her bed, not a breath or movement at all. My heart dropped tremendously and I felt as if my world was crashing down, I called everyone important to give them the news and the call that hurt me the most was my younger brother being away in college during finals to hear the tragic news which was something he didn’t need. I’m angry because I was the most important one she confided in and with this situation she said nothing at all to me, I cried so hard at losing her and at her not telling me she had heart complications. I wanna be able to go back and at least see if I can do anything else to help prior, I wanna be able to have closure and let go of this animosity and I wanna be able to rest easier at night knowing I at least tried to make her final moments peaceful. Sometimes I wish it was me that left this world in her place instead, I’d give anything to replace my life with hers…
Was feeling less than myself
Yesterday was a bad time, I felt like I needed to disappear from the world. It seemed like it was inevitable but for some odd reason I couldn’t just leave. I had a talk with a friend about what was going on and it helped for a bit, I don’t like the feeling of being less than myself, I was rather depressed the whole day. I tried keeping productive so that I’ll be alright. This was one of those days that I usually have and I probably should be used to it by now but each and every time it feels new, I’m feeling a little better today but it’s kinda hard to relax and move on. I kept productive today and it’s paying off, I also had people check in on me which was a good thing because being alone with this feeling isn’t exactly a good idea. My mood changes every so often so maybe tomorrow will be much brighter.
Worried about my sister’s well being
I woke up with a sudden feeling of anxiousness, that’s due to me having random thoughts about my sister’s health condition. She’s currently in a rehabilitation center from an accident that turned into her health decline. During her senior year she was hit by a bus and needed surgery, during that surgery something happened and it triggered a dormant disease called Polymyositis. That was 3 years ago and she’s still recovering from the situation. She’s been on oxygen and in a wheelchair due to her weak muscles so you can imagine how I feel let alone her. It’s not easy going through this time but I need to be strong for her and for myself because my mother left me a job to do and that’s to look after my siblings. I’m not the oldest but she felt I was the most responsible I would assume since everything falls on me. I talk to my sister all the time and I worry that something may change in her condition for the worst, she’s recovering well but I don’t wanna jynx it and say it’ll all work out even though that’s the positive attitude to have. I want the best possible outcome but I will settle for her just being out of there even if she’ll be disabled for a few years, I’ll do whatever it takes to make her feel comfortable and not feel regret.I’m just glad my mother isn’t here to see her like this, God rest her soul.
Something I was told growing up as a child
When I was still relatively young I was told that I wasn’t wanted as a child, I don’t know how true this was and I won’t pry and ask such a question for a really dark subject. I felt a sickness in the pit of my stomach when I heard those words and I got light-headed because as a kid you don’t want to hear those type of things. Thinking back on that situation I can still feel and hear those words and I do feel like I should know the truth but bringing it up now would do no good especially because my mother has passed. I’d want it to be something I could sit and have a discussion about with both parties involved, that way the finger couldn’t be pointed and blame isn’t thrown one way. Sometimes I feel angry at the thought of it, other days I feel like maybe it would’ve been better that way. I’d like to forget it all but I know that’s not possible, maybe I should just get to the truth but I’m worried my anxiety can’t handle it and with how my brain is right now perhaps I should keep my mouth shut until further notice… These are things I think about daily and it burns me up the more it goes on, sometimes I wanna disappear but running will do nothing so I’ll stay and keep fighting for the better.
My days as a teen weren’t really great
Good morning world, I wanted to talk more about my days as a teen. Growing up I said I only hung with a few amount of people and that was due to how unsure I was of myself around others with my condition. I can recount the days that when I was hanging out I felt massive anxiety that was so hard to control. One time when I was 13 I had to come up with numerous excuses at times as to why I didn’t or rather couldn’t come outside, the thought of letting my mental state get the best of me had me scared shitless and telling them about my condition was out of the question during that period of time. There were times when I was gonna speak up but the feeling of embarrassment was to great even with my medication helping me out so I did what I thought was best and lied my way out of any and all activities. One day I was out with them and the voices got seriously loud and I was on the verge of crying because of so many different scenarios playing in my head. I made up a lie about a headache and wanted to go home but we were out far from home so waiting was all I could do. I was holding so hard not to snap on anybody and that in itself was intense. I was sweating profusely and people were asking did I feel well and I told them yeah like an idiot… If I had a chance, maybe I’d fix the events that day because I might have a peace of mind, but maybe leaving it the way it is and looking forward to the future will make me better.
Fall weather makes me feel serene
Hello world, I’ve been keeping myself busy with things that distracts me from my brain activity. Today is a nice peaceful day and I feel relaxed enough that so far no worrying thoughts. I wanted to make a more serious post about how my life was back then but I didn’t wanna add on to any negativity that’ll be a catalyst for my mental health. I’m currently typing this outside on the balcony as the wind blows and the leaves fall down, the breeze feels wonderful and this is the kind of atmosphere I need at the moment. I haven’t had any anxiety these past 3 days so that’s a step in the right direction or at least I think so. Later tonight I’ll most likely be out for a nice walk depending on how cold it gets, if that’s the case I can probably share a few snapshots of how beautiful it looks around here with all the Halloween decorations and other things. I’ll keep you guys updated on my life as usual so continue to hang on for a good ride 😉