Category: Uncategorized

Good morning world, I’m here with a quick post or rather status update on my health and I’m happy to report there are no problems whatsoever. I know I said I wouldn’t be slacking on my posts but I have a legitimate reason and that’s because I’ve been busy this past week with things pertaining to my sister. I’ll share a story on her situation soon enough but bare with me on today’s post because I do have some more to do today and will most definitely be back on the posting grind! I do hope everyone is feeling great today and you enjoy my Blog because a dear friend and role model put this together for me to share what I’m feeling and going through and I can’t thank this person enough for this amazing opportunity. I was convinced to share my struggles and I’m so happy I followed through with it because now after doing this blog there’s a certain relief of my shoulders. I’ll be back to myself once I am done being so busy but I’ll still keep you all updated.

Good morning world I truly apologize for the extremely late post, I had a busy week and my stress levels were becoming a problem. I have a lot going on and my mental state was at a high. This won’t be a continuous thing of me going days without posting, I just needed to make sure I was ok and didn’t need to fall back permanently. There are days I don’t feel adequate with myself and this week was one of those times I felt like giving up completely. I can recount the moments I felt like I wasn’t good enough to press forward but I won’t do that. I do have a support system in place that helps keep me here so I do wanna thank them from the bottom of my heart for staying and not abandoning me for some petty or selfish reason. They are truly a wonderful bunch of individuals who check on me daily and makes sure they talk to me in a way I don’t feel like a lesser person. Tomorrow I will be back to ol’ regular self so be prepared for my posts to be back to the way they were previously!

Hello all, I have returned from a few days of peace and relaxation. I needed the time off so that I could clear my head of negative energy. I went to a haunted attraction this weekend called Pennhurst Asylum. It was so fun and all the stuff I seen had me wanting to go back. The place had Sword Swallowers, Fire Breathers and creepy nurses that mad it all look believable. It was a long line to get in but it was worth the wait. There was another nice family we did the attraction with which made it more comfortable for my anxiety, the sheer amount of authentic props and actors was so good you would think that some of them were actually trying to take people away. I think my favorite part of the adventure were the tunnels because they were dark and had them completely fogged up with skeletons and actors jumping from the shadows. I laughed at all the people screaming in fear from the actors saying frightening things to us as we walked or ran by. I’d like to go back and definitely do it again, all in all it was an amazing experience and was the first one I ever had so it’s something I’d continue to do for sure.

Back in my teen years I was relatively quiet, I kept to myself during school save for a few friends. It was a rare occasion I would raise my hand and participate in anything or even give two shits for that matter. If I did participate it was only because of maybe a project or something that had to be presented majority of the time, I can recount the times I would be scared to stand up because I always felt like things would go sour. I remember my palms getting sweaty when being called on to present my projects, in my head the others were laughing but it was the Schizophrenia messing with me. On certain days I would try to be as what I thought would be “normal” as possible out of fear that I would be made fun of for my condition if anyone found out. It got a few questions in relation to if I was feeling alright but it was just my friends that I hung with on a daily basis at school. To feel like I needed to change myself was a tough decision but it seemed like a proper idea for the most part, I did start to feel like it was a waste of time and eventually needed to accept what was going on with me but I struggled and needed some guidance from similar folks.

Hello world, I’m back from a break to post this new one. I took the weekend to myself so that I could unwind and gather more energy for this week. I had some drinks, played a few games, watched some movies and collected more cards from the shop. Overall I had a good weekend and I’d like to have more like this on a regular basis. It feels good to just forget the world for once and just unwind from all the stress in life, I talked to my sister like usual and the conversation was good, all in all my weekend was worth it. Today I feel pretty damn good, the weather is amazing and so far my mental health isn’t bothering me. I think i’ll do what I did this past weekend and just breathe easy, I like the comfort of being able to have my mind empty with no pressure. This post was me getting back on my game so tomorrow I will get back to the story that shaped me into who I am now, until then.

So I have a secret, I haven’t told my family of this blog yet. I might be a little afraid of the critical response if there will be any. They know nothing of my hardships with my Schizophrenia so I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the possible outcomes to my telling them. I’ll most likely tell my siblings first, they know of my mental health but not the past things I’ve been through. I wonder what the reaction will be to my past attempt at suicide? I do know that my younger brother at most will probably have a few words but it’s to be expected. Maybe it’s time I let go of the pressure and just be myself, maybe I should let my mind wander into whatever place is necessary. These are the things I think about on a daily basis, this feeling of acceptance is killing me. Should I worry about what others may think of me, or should I  just keep to myself? I’d like a sign or something to ease my thoughts. Today is a good day, the weather is nice and I have no anxiety. Maybe I’ll start making some calls to lift a burden of my shoulders.

I remember one day as a kid waking up in the morning to some stressful feelings. I don’t know why it happened and I’m not sure how, but I do know it was a scary feeling. I had told my mother what was going on and she sat with me until I calmed down, the feeling of not being able to breathe even though I’m not struggling. I believed at the time my mental health was a bit much for me to handle all at once, I was on point taking my medication during this time so there wasn’t any issues there. I used to be afraid to leave the house at times because of my fear of what I might do. My next therapy session was awkward because I wanted to leave so bad due to the voices telling me all sorts of things from self harm to hurting someone else. After my session was over I felt relieved, so much anxiety rushed to my head that I almost felt lightheaded. We rushed home so that I could lay down and feel a sense of comfort, that day was an intense one for me. I almost wish I could go back and see if things would be different but as I am older I know better than to think otherwise.

Hey all, sorry for the late post but today I slept in way to late due to finally being able to rest easy. It was so gloomy here today but not the kind that’s all depressing and dark, but the kind that is relaxing. I had the window open and had all the cool air come blowing in from the rain that’s been going on all day long. The scent of the air and the sound of the rain hitting the window was satisfying to say the least. I felt like the noise was keeping me in bed because I’m usually interested in being soothed. This was a rather unorthodox post and most likely not very interesting, but I wanna share all my moments and not just the one that seem depressing or like I’m ready to give up on myself. Stick around and you’ll see there is more to me than just sudden sadness and mental health.

Hello world, today I’m taking a break from my story to let you all know that I’m feeling a tad bit stressed out. I have a lot on my plate and I feel that it’s getting to me. I’m gonna try and keep myself busy and hopefully it calms down. I had a rough night trying to sleep, I tossed and turned most likely from over thinking about my responsibilities. I’ll go for a walk on this trail I know of and get a breath of fresh air. It’s not easy to keep my head on straight when I’m feeling this way so any distraction is a good thing. Hopefully I can have someone to talk to and help me feel better do I don’t sway off course. I know this was a short blog and probably something you all didn’t care to read, but it’s just one of those days where you feel empty. I’ll be back to myself soon enough.

I vomited everything I took to kill myself and when I failed at my suicide attempt something clicked in me to keep on living. Of course I didn’t feel well a little later but I played it off as me getting a fever or something. I was a little on edge about what transpired but it happened so there was no taking it back. I’ve never said felt so much guilt before in my life but I’ve learned to accept the matter. I regret not telling my mother what I did and it’ll most likely haunt me for the years to come. I wish I did have the chance to reveal everything but maybe it’s better she doesn’t know to avoid any emotional pain my truth may bring. Some days I feel a burden on my shoulders that I even gave in to the voices but I do know that it get’s to a point where self control becomes so difficult it hurts. That day was a past experience and sure there were more days I had the same thoughts but I’m keeping myself together now than I was back then and eventually it did get better. My life has had many turns as we do but I’m willing to bet I’ve had more bad than good in my early years.