The Laid Back Schizophrenic

When I was staying with my grandmother for a bit, I was online playing a sort of social space for meeting new people. During this time I met someone who eventually became this huge part of my life. I remember having my avatar standing there dancing and there probably the biggest thing to happen for my happiness in a long time came along. It was another gamer that enjoyed the same social space and she happened to find my dancing avatar cute. The song I was dancing to is called Chain Swing. She began to talk to me first and I was pretty nervous sitting there that I almost logged out. I’m glad I didn’t decide to run away because we instantly hit it off and everything we talked about were all the things we had in common. I didn’t know know if this person would stay around long due to the pressures of online chat rooms and the types of creeps that lurk but we both took a chance and it paid off. We would spend each day meeting up on the social space and sending messages back and forth. One day she opted to give me her phone number and to her surprise I reciprocated the gesture but with a slight guard up which I am sure she was feeling uneasy at first too. The first two days started off with texting and eventually I have her a call, she immediately ignored it but told me that she was scared because it was unexpected. I admit I didn’t tell her I was calling so her fear is justified. We spent that entire month of December devoting all our free time talking back and forth until that amazing day came. On January 14th 2010 we made it official, we became a couple albeit it was long distance but I didn’t care because she was all I could think about and all I wanted. It was tough dating in separate states seeing as how she was in Maine and me Pennsylvania but we made it work. We would video chat, text and talk on the phone, we would even play games together just to stay close as much as possible. Of course people tried to get in the middle but it didn’t stop us nor did we give anyone attention. The first time we video chatted I remember looking at the huge smile she had on her face and her dog Sam was there just being all nosey. I got so nervous in the beginning from all the excitement hitting me at once. Our relationship wasn’t without it’s fair share of arguments but we always made it through, we made sure to work it out before throwing anything away over trivial things. The days she was in school were tough seeing as how I couldn’t speak to her until her lunch period or after 2:15pm when she got out. Lunch conversations were great because I always asked what she was eating and how did she like it? I can still hear the munching sounds perfectly and her little chuckles when I ask her those questions. My favorite lunch moment is her asking someone at the counter for a big chocolate chip cookie because she was detailed in how she asked and I could tell she really wanted it. When spring hit we made plans for me to come up to visit and bring her back with me for two weeks. I was excited to go not just for her but also because I was curious to see what her small town looked like. As the time to my trip drew closer our bond got stronger and stronger, I knew I had found the right one. When I got my bus ticket I immediately called her and let her know that all of this is real, I’ll be there and we will have the best time together. The 19 hour trip was long but totally worth it. When summer got arrived I was not letting anything stop me from seeing my girlfriend, I had my snacks and blanket ready for this trip and when I finally departed I could do nothing but smile. I arrived in Bangor Maine which was my last is transfer stop but due to my current bus arriving late I missed the next one so I was stuck. I called her to see if anyone could come and get me but she told me no one could drive the 3 hours on short notice. I got news from her that a cousin lived 5 mins from the bus station with her boyfriend and they let me stay there the couple days until my girlfriend met me in Bangor. I was relieved to have a safe place to stay and I was comfortable. They made sure I had all that I needed and that I didn’t spend any of the money I had with me. When it came time to head back home with her I waited for her bus to arrive in Bangor before I went to the station. She made it safely and the walk to the station had me power walking to see her. I walked into the station and there she was sitting down with a smile and blushing so hard, she wearing a black and white short sleeve plaid shirt and a pair of black capris. I thought she was the prettiest girl in the room at that moment and my heart fluttered. During the ride home we spent the whole trip talking and getting to know each other more, in person the conversations were more detailed and we found even more things that we enjoyed. My mother was happy to see her once we made it back to Philadelphia, she met us at the station to ensure we got back safely but all I could think about is that she was finally here. It took some time to get used to how things worked in Pennsylvania but she adapted quickly, those two weeks were just flying by but we had so much fun. When it came close to her having to go back she informed her family that she was going to stay but they already knew that she would want to so they were prepared to gather her things and bring them. The amount of time we spent living together has been a ride, she was there for every single thing that has happened since then like my mother & grandmother’s passing and my sister getting sick. To this day she is still here helping me out with things and even though we aren’t together now we still work together for my sister’s health. I would have made it through some of these intense times without her and I am sure there will be more to come and that’s ok because I know she has my back.

I’ve been getting the utmost support from someone really close to me. She has been really good with asking me about my mental health and just my days in general. I think it has been getting to her that I don’t really take too much time for myself aside from my streaming life whenever I can. We talk every day and our conversations are just as awesome and sometimes childish but all in fun. I haven’t really made posts concerning other people in a positive light but this will be the first of many for how I proceed forward with my blog. I can’t express the gratitude I have for her and how closely she follows my writings, it makes me feel like I genuinely have people who can feel what I write and what I deal with. I want our friendship to continue and hopefully she feels the same. I remember the video she made of her preordering my book and how excited she was to receive it. I can still see the big smile and excitement she had when she left the store with her receipt in tow. If I remember correctly she also made a special area on her desk in front of all her streaming equipment just so my book can always be close by. I care for her dearly and I know we will be friends for many moons to come.

I spent the last week being under the weather and it was a terrible time. For a good while it felt like I wasn’t going to make it but I fought through it. When I was going through this rough time I still had some important tasks at hand, I remember needing to run a big errand for my sister while still packing things for the move. I had the hardest time getting things going, at one point it felt as if I were going to pass out from the loss of breath and constant throbbing in my head. I did the best I could do with my condition and I somehow managed to survive the ordeal, I don’t think I’d be willing to attempt any sudden activities in that situation again unless I absolutely need to have it done. I spent my weekend keeping my health in order simply because I was worried that I may need to see someone. I tend to get paranoid from time to time whenever I recover from an issue involving my health. At the moment of me typing this I am just falling back from a stressful yet eventful week and it is some much needed me time. Starting monday it will be back to errands and hopefully my normal routine. I am not typing this looking for a pat on the back or sympathy, I am putting this in writing because for me I feel as if I accomplished something and with minimal complaining.

I am using my weekend to unwind from the last few days I had. My sister’s health hasn’t been the best lately and she was doing so well. Her condition is starting to flare up again and it’s caused her to need special treatment again. She had a low blood count and her spleen was inflamed and ammonia was found so she was moved to another center to have her taken care of. She was given a Bone Marrow procedure and a Blood Transfusion to combat her illness. It was a lot to process at first but it is better to have them do whatever they can than worry so much about her being as sick as can be. I got all the info I needed to better understand what is going on and what they will do to treat her. I will admit it was hard going into her room and seeing tubes and machines plugged into her but I know it’s in her best interest. I spent the entire day with her after surgery and made sure she was comfortable. If things do not get better for her and I really don’t want to think this way but I will have to be prepared for the worst whether I like it or not.

I have literally one more month until my life is busy being a caretaker. These days I actually feel relieved about it rather then stressed and scared like I used to be. Maybe it’s from talking to friends and fellow writers about what I am going to be dealing with that has given me a sense of comfort. I used to think this would be the end of my social life as I was under the impression that I wouldn’t be able to handle my duties. For the most part I have been adamant about getting things rolling and I can finally breathe easy knowing that I’ll be ok. There will be extra help along the way so there is a brighter side to my situation. On another note I get asked about my book a ton and it feels good to know people actually care and or are interested in my writings. My goal is to spread the word more so that many others can read it and take what they read into the real world so that the knowledge of helping others or themselves with Schizophrenia can make a difference. I am aiming to write another book on what I have accomplished as a schizophrenic and I think it’ll be a good one. I want it to be better than my first writing because I want to grow as both a writer and author. I hope people will continue to ask me about my life living with schizophrenic because I enjoy giving them insight on what it is and why my brain functions differently. I am proud to say that I am different and there is nothing wrong with it.

I am officially a Published Author. I know this post is late since it has been an entire month but the excitement of my accomplishment is too much to hold down. I am extremely grateful for what I have done and all the people who have helped me along the way. You all have no idea what this means to me. I have quite a bit of people who have decided to purchase my book friends and family alike. It is always a joy to get a text, phone call or message on social media from people who bought my book and then tell me positive things about it. I have been having good days lately, mostly because I have been talking to friends about my health and I can always count on them to help me out when I am not feeling my best. I haven’t been having extreme thoughts to the point of self harm in about a week so that alone has my spirits in good standing. I have my moments among other stuff but it’s nothing I can’t handle. Today I talked to my sister and we had a good talk about our future living together so that I can handle her physical condition. She is very excited to finally be able to leave the rehabilitation center and I myself couldn’t be more happy. It is going to be very interesting to see how long I can hold on with all of the responsibilities I am going to have.

I couldn’t be more proud of myself. I can actually say that I am a publisher author and it’s a great feeling. I want to thank all of the people who gave me this opportunity and chance to do something good for the mental health community. If I am being one hundred percent honest it is a little surreal. I didn’t expect to ever become an author nor did I think I had what it took to write a book. I am more content with myself than I have been in my entire life. This a big accomplishment for me and there isn’t anything or anyone that can take this away from me. I went into Barnes & Noble and seeing my very own book on that shelf gave me a self sense of accomplishment for the most part. I get people asking about it all the time and I never get tired of explaining what it is I’ve written and why I decided to do it. I am currently working on getting a book signing done so that I can spread the word about my book more quickly. One thing I want to happen is more people read it to get a better understanding of what I go through everyday and still live my life as if I didn’t have a mental illness. I hope that if you decide to read a new book then check mine out which is titled “The Laid Back Schizophrenic” and you won’t be disappointed. I promise you will feel more relaxed about your own inner problems after you read.

So I read this book called “Nobody” by Sarah & Ari Fader and I was instantly intrigued by it. If you haven’t heard of it I sincerely suggest you get a copy and read it. It relates to me and many others because I too feel like I am a nobody and not important enough to matter. I read it 3 times because it was literally that well done. If you have ever felt like an outcast then this book is a definite read. The illustration, colors and wording are put together in a great way that it just ties everything together. I was imagining a time I felt like a complete stranger to the world when I read this book. Those days were some of my darkest and looking back I still feel better about surviving it. I really recommend this book to anyone who is struggling with mental health and those who love to read in general. You will absolutely not be disappointed in the time invested while reading. Go take a gander at this title and see for yourself, you’ll feel the same as I do.

I’m not having the best time right now, I feel hollow and emotionlessly at my limit and the confusing part is I don’t care to breathe anymore. I got this feeling in my stomach that I gave all I have and it wasn’t enough to be important at least. Maybe I’m better off non-existent. Sometimes I wish that I could forget why I still decide to be here and go away. At this point death is a better option than dealing with this. I know I shouldn’t be talking like this but if not another soul cares then I believe it’s ok if I don’t either. This isn’t going to go away so simple unless a miracle happens. Deep down I’m avoiding sleep because I don’t think I will wake up and I am leaning towards allowing that. It’s scary but I ask myself “Does it really matter?” Too bad this isn’t a dream then I’d feel somewhat better but it is what it is I guess. I only struggle with staying because I have a responsibility to take care of in regards to a family member but If something happens I may take that outing. Too many good things happen and are taken away from me without the slightest care as if I’m just something to be used as a back up and it’s enough to make a person lifeless on the inside. I sincerely hope something changes if even a small bit because at this point in time I could really care less about myself or another.

I am starting to think that I’m not entirely fixable. It’s becoming more and more apparent as the days go by. I try to remember that I am still a sane person but even then it gets to be a little too much for me to handle. I talked with some friends who can enlighten me on some things because they understand what I go through since they have the same problems at times. Now at this moment I have a huge headache and that is due to me over thinking a million different things in my head. If you could take a look at my rather unorthodox brain you’d see what I mean and why I say I am a mixed bag. I take things I to consideration before I act but I sometimes end up going overboard and it bothers me somehow that I even act this way. I believe this is one of the reasons it took me so long to type another post aside from my sister and her being sick. I don’t wanna make excuses but even I have yo recharge my batteries sometimes. Most recently I had thoughts of self harm and today it was harder on me with those same thoughts because it’s the day my mother passed 3 years ago. I hate this day do much and with my current state I can’t help but wish I was gone with her. I talked with my siblings and they aren’t in the best of moods. I probably should have told them about how I am dealing with it but deep down I kind of feel like I shouldn’t have anyone worried about it. I feel like that is really selfish.