The Laid Back Schizophrenic

It’s been a little while since my last post but I have a good reason. I’ve been busy taking some personal time to reflect on the things I wanna accomplish this year. I recently joined a gym to get in shape and my health better because I wanna be at the top of my game so that when my sister is released I’ll be able to take care of her more efficiently. I’m excited about my recent changes due to the fact of it’s something I’ve been wanting to do for awhile but has been procrastinating on. I start this Monday and I’ll be sticking to it for sure, I’m gonna make sure I don’t quit because then I’ll be throwing away my money and time. This’ll also be good for my mental health as it will be a nice distraction from the bad vibes. I think it’ll be good for me, I can relieve some energy and at the same time feel better about myself. I’m excited to get this going and I’ll definitely be updating my results as I continue. Aside from that I’ve been taking time to keep myself from going off the deep end and so far nothing has ruined it. I ran some errands today and not once have I had voices try and ruin me. I want this to continue and I’ll be looking forward to more on my journey to a better person.

It’s been a few days since I last gave myself a breather. My head is still in a spin on the changes but I’m adjusting to it for the most part. I’m still around so that makes me feel a little better about everything but I still have my moments of why though? I couldn’t sleep which is why this post is coming so early rather than later in the day and I felt this was the best course of action in accordance to how I’m currently feeling. I tried to shut my eyes, look at videos on YouTube and even thought about music but none of that is working for me so coming to my blog and letting out my inner thoughts is probably the best move right now. I can’t go an hour without really thinking about the past week and it’s heavy with pain. If I can turn back the time I would. I talked to this person and we ate working through our issues but the separation part is new because we’ve never been apart for the past 9 years. It’s all so new and I don’t really like it. I’m happy that we are working on it so far but it’d be better if this has passed on and we were happier. I still talk to her everyday so that’s at least something right? I’m hoping the time from here on out is better because blogging at 3:00am due to no sleep will burn me out and that’s not something I want to happen. I’ll try and sleep but I make no promises.

It’s day 3 of this feeling but it’s not getting better, I’m trying to keep it together but it’s hard to keep my emotions inside so I’d rather let them do what they want. I’m already thinking I still wanna disappear but I’m leaning more towards not going that far. I might spend the rest of the day laying down in bed because I’m not up to doing anything but being depressed. Trying to get over my depression but all I can feel is how I wanna just forget any and everything and just evaporate away. I’ll keep a clear mind but I make no promises on if I’ll be ok later on if at all. Just trying to write this I have tears in my eyes and I can barely keep myself from shaking all over. Should I just end myself now and forget it all that way I’ll be happy or should I continue on? I need answers or at least a sign and I need something soon.

You ever have those times where you feel like you wanna just leave it all behind? For the past two days I’ve been having these feelings because of a recent situation and I’m sure this time I’m gonna leave off on my own accord with my sister and another. I don’t know how I’m gonna do it at this point but I’m definitely making the change because all I’m feeling is emotions and anxiety. I’m thinking of leaving from this city and just finding my way back to being happy because how I’m feeling at this rate I’ll go insane. I wanna forget everything and move on from the darkness, I wanna be numb to any pain. I’d say what happened but I can’t find the right words on how to put it into perspective and still come off as letting it go so we can move forward with our lives. I cry at night because it’s the only peace I have to myself without anyone seeing my vulnerability. I don’t give a shit about what others may think of me but I also wanna make the best decision for me and my sister. It’s 4:00am as I type this because I have a tough time sleeping now that I’m in this state of depression. I want my life to get better and I’m gonna make it happen by doing what I can with my own wits. I won’t let anyone bring me down or try to make me decide what they want because at the end of the day it’s my choice.

Tuesday my little sister Briana had her 21st birthday and I made sure it was a good one. We took her out to dinner and drinks so that she could enjoy it and she had an absolute blast. I was a little skeptical of taking her out because her health isn’t the best and I didn’t want something to happen and I’m completely useless on how to help her. She was a little worried herself because she doesn’t leave much from the Rehabilitation Center and when she does it isn’t this far out there away from medical attention but all in all aside from that it was a great time with her. I had to take both her wheelchair and her walker so that I was sure she’d be ok and it’s take some of my anxiety away as well as hers. Seeing the smile on her face and her enjoying the food, drinks and company was definitely a highlight for me given the past few years have been nothing but a bummer. My sister definitely deserved this day out and I am definitely happy that I was able to deliver such an amazing moment for her special day. I wish more people could’ve joined in but I also understand how busy others are during this period so just the few there were very much appreciated. I hope that the next time I take her out for any activity she will be much better this time around.

I have finally returned after a busy holiday with family and friends, let me just say that I apologize for taking so long to post because I feel like I have left my readers hanging. This year I will try to make better because I’ve been given some really great opportunities and I tend to make the most of them. I will be as consistent as I possibly can with my blog now that I’m not as stressed out, I have been feeling a little bit better in terms of my mental health but those bad emotions and negative thoughts are still there with me as I type right now. I wanna make sure that I press forward in my huge opportunity I was given this year and I want it to be absolutely perfect. In case you are wondering what it is, it’s me writing a book on both mental health and my life. I look forward to the final product and I want everyone who reads it to get a better understanding of what I am discussing. My excitement for this is through the roof but I’m also a little nervous because it’s my first time doing this. If this book turns out really well I would definitely be interested in doing another one, hell even if I fail or meet low expectations I’d be willing to give it another shot to redeem myself. I never really seen myself as a writer and I never gave it a thought to writing. These turn of events on how my life has turned out have been crazy but also some of it has turned out amazing. I’m making 2019 a better year for me and will send positive vibes around for everyone around me also, so here’s to a great start.

Giving an update on my health status for you all, I’m still feeling a little under the weather but it’s not like it was yesterday which is a plus so I’m definitely happy about that one. My soreness is still there but it’s more tolerable than yesterday and I can move around a bit more than usual, I still have the the pain in my throat which didn’t subside at all but I did drink more tea today so it gave it a little soothing and it kept me calm for a bit. On a plus side my anxiety hasn’t been up today at least when it came to my Schizophrenia which I am so grateful for, but I did have a tad bit of it when I seen that other parts of my health were getting better but my throat was still giving me a hard way to go. I want more progress tomorrow and I’m hoping that I can get better soon, I said I was hoping to be better by Monday but seeing as how that didn’t come to fruition I’ll settle for the middle of the week. I know I shouldn’t be rushing to get better but I wanna recover quick so that I can get on with my more serious problems known as my mental health. I talked to my mother today in my head and wanted some insight on how I can better deal with the things piling up, I really miss her and I wish that my conversation was real because the more I think about her the more I get depressed that she’s gone and not coming back. If she were here I’d definitely be feeling like I can survive without fear of myself, she was more than my support system and without her I feel vulnerable to self harm which is something I’m trying hard not to do. This is something that I’ll tell my therapist when it comes time for my appointment, hopefully I get an answer on what I can do to survive my own inner demons.

Today I awoke with some soreness in my body, a sore throat and a headache, I’m most definitely getting sick and it’s not a great feeling at all. I was gonna use today to get myself prepared for my medication that I’ll eventually be getting back on but that didn’t go as planned due to the circumstances, I’m not really upset at it but I’m am pissed that I’m getting sick because it puts a damper on things like going to my appointments. I got a flu shot so I know it’s not that and so far I’m not vomiting but I did have so e stomach pains for a small bit, hopefully it’ll pass on by Monday because I’d really like to get a jump start on my more important errands. I’ve literally been drinking tea all day and it’s been helping with my throat but I can only take so much of it before I get sick and tired of the taste, I also had some cough drops and that’s been a huge help as well. You ever have those times where you overthink things like for example you getting a serious illness? Well that’s what I’m doing at this moment, I’m feeling like I may be catching something that I’ll need a quick prescription for and that’s due to the stomach pains I’ve been having today. I’m gonna keep up what I’ve been doing to keep it in check and hopefully it’s just a cold and the stomach pain is just from something I ate that’s not sitting well due to my weak body right now, I’ll have someone keep an eye on my symptoms along side with me so that I don’t miss anything, I don’t wanna leave anything up to chance at all. I’ll use the rest of the day to take it easy and see what tomorrow brings with an update, until then I bid thee farewell.

For the past few days I’ve been feeling like complete shit when I have woken up, so I’ve decided that I’ll speak to someone about getting back on medication for my own sanity and safety. I don’t know why I’ve been falling back to my old feelings I had growing up as a kid but I don’t want it to progress even further than it has been back then, I’m a little scared of taking meds again but it’s for the best so at least I’ll have a way of keeping myself in check. I remember the feeling they gave me back then, I wasn’t a fan of it and I’m pretty sure this time won’t be any better. I have people who are there for me so I’m not worried about the lack of a support system at all, I think I’ll give my doctor a call after the weekend and schedule an appointment. I may have to schedule an appointment with a therapist too so that he/she will know what I’m dealing with and maybe get a better understanding of what I’m feeling, my head is killing me from just all the stress and sudden decisions of trying to better myself and push forward. I’ll need to have a talk with my siblings about my recent feelings also, they need to know about the thoughts I’ve been having so they’ll also be on guard if I need any treatment. I don’t like having extreme amounts of anxiety but it’s uncontrollable and it’s pushing me closer and closer to the edge and I’m scared of it. I hope I can get it together soon, I know it’ll take time but at this moment time is all I have to give.

Last night I had a hard time sleeping, I was hearing the voices in my head again and it was bothersome to a serious extent. I don’t know why it happened or remember what I was hearing but it bothered me a shit ton and I didn’t get any rest until 4am even though I tried going to bed at 10pm the night before. Today I woke up with a serious headache and I’m pretty sure that’s due to all the tossing and turning I’ve endured all night long, I’m still very tired as I type this and it’s hard to concentrate without taking a step back to gather myself. I wish I knew why I was having this problem but when you have Schizophrenia there is no reason to how or why you have sudden bursts of anxiety, depression and random thoughts, I’m getting to a point where maybe I should check myself into a facility to see if that’ll calm me down or should I just take medication again because that’s all I’m seeing at the moment that’ll help me. I know I said these things on my last post but it’s becoming more apparent that I’m heading back to how I was before when I was a kid with therapy and medication. I’m not feeling like I’ll get back to my version of normal unless I take these steps and something is telling me that I should but then I have this notion of maybe it’s all in my head and that’s what the voices want me to believe, I’m scared and worried that I’ll end up gone or something and I could’ve done something to prevent it. I can only keep myself distracted with my hobbies for so long and the more I keep putting it off the worse I think I’ll get, I think it’s maybe time for me to make a sudden but not drastic change…