The Laid Back Schizophrenic

You ever have those times when you feel as if you shouldn’t exist anymore? That was me the past couple of days which is why I was not existent on my posts, I had a talk with a friend and fellow blogger to keep myself distracted and she was very helpful. These feelings often creep up so it’s nothing new but each time it feels like it’s not getting any better, I like to have random conversation to keep myself out of my head away from the negative space that is my inner thoughts. Sometimes I drift off with headphones in and keep the music up loudly at the max so I could have a moment of relaxation, I like to feel like I’m floating away and the only thing that matters is me and my safe haven. I wish I could have a talk with my mother about my feelings because I know she’d know what to do or at the very least help me in some manner, I have a few questions I’d like to ask her concerning why I have this condition and will it ever get better? My depression isn’t something I take lightly because I know what my mind is capable of and I know that terrible things could happen if I let it consume me. I had thoughts that maybe I should get back on my medication because I don’t want to harm myself or others, I’m not entirely worried because it’s not really that bad but I am a very cautious person. I may go back to therapy and express how I feel and what I can do to keep myself in check, it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a good while now and if rather be more prepared than have to worry about me going over the edge down the road. I’ll take these things into deep and serious consideration because my mental state depends on it.

During the process of my brother being released from the hospital we had a hard time with his recovery, he wasn’t being difficult or anything just that the pain was being really unbearable for him. During his unfortunate situation he had to have his spleen removed, I don’t think I’d ever wanna know what that feels like and from what I was witnessing with his pain I was feeling like I would cry. The stitching up he had was insane and he had a constant pain in his legs, I don’t know which was more of a bother for him between the spleen removal or his legs but from the majority of his complaining I would assume it was his legs that troubled him the most. I was constantly looking at my mother’s face when she was caring for his pain, she had sudden looks of discomfort but I say that because it was the kind that seemed like she was causing him more pain even though he knew that wasn’t the case. I was helping with his healing and usually got nervous at the time of me wrapping his legs tightly with bandages to put pressure on his legs so that the pain would be more tolerable, it seemed like it wasn’t a good method but it made him feel better so I did what he wanted and my anxiety was up from the thought of making it worse and just seeing him in this condition. The days were going by and nothing seemed to get better with his health so we kept him to the wheelchair when he needed to go out, I was always worried that being out wasn’t gonna be good for him but appointments were necessary for his recovery so I swallowed my anxiety and kept quiet. It’s pretty hard to discuss this story because it is a constant memory that’s burned into my brain and when I look back on these dark times I can feel my mental issues creeping up on me as if I’m at fault for something I’m unaware of, I’ll continue on with this story and what is my life because I want you to see the real me and hopefully what you gather from these words are something that shows how I survived for this long. Until then, I sign off.

I remember when my younger brother was seriously injured a few years ago, he was shot and at that time I had no idea it even happened. One time he came back home for college break and he was out seeing his friends after a few months of being on campus so of course you’d think nothing of it, It got a little confusing when I didn’t hear from him in 2 days because I usually hear from him regardless of whatever he’s doing so me and the rest of my family were worried that something might’ve happened to we decided to check around and had others do it too. When we got a call he was in the hospital all hell broke loose, hearing that he was shot and nobody said anything until 2 days later was terrifying and fucked up royally. I remember seeing the look on my mother’s face, she was quiet and had this insane look as if she was turned to stone. I felt my stomach in my throat and having all types of thoughts running through my head, so many visions and words that seemed like it was causing my breath to shorten. I didn’t go to the hospital because I wasn’t allowed to be in there due to some sort of investigation of sorts about drugs and robbery, it was weird because my younger brother wasn’t out doing any of that so it kinda made me think maybe some sort of lie was told to cover some tracks and he was the fall guy. I remember hearing all of this and thinking someone needed to die or at least answer for the bullshit that was going on, I wanted to wake up from this nightmare because it seemed like it wasn’t real. My mother told me he had one arm handcuffed to the bar on the bed for security reasons, Obviously it was the police that opted to do that due to this “Investigation” because I knew better. My mind was in a whirlwind from the entire situation and I knew deep down in my heart that some things were gonna be different…

My week wasn’t bad but it wasn’t good either, I was constantly feeling like I needed time alone or I couldn’t be any better. But yesterday I was feeling really good because I got to finish up some things that I’ve been working on and on top of that I didn’t feel like I was in shambles and no voices in my head. Maybe yesterday was something of an anomaly because I don’t usually feel that good nor do I not feel like I have nothing to worry about, I was pretty happy about that he whole thing and I did have a slight bit of anxiety because I was thinking for a bit that this is too good to be true and something will most likely happen to ruin this mood I’m enjoying. I kept productive to keep my mind off of things and it kinda worked, I had a nice conversation with a great person which turned out to be something to lift my spirits even more. Today I feel good still and I’m wanting to get even more stuff done which I will be doing, I might do some exercises today that will relax my body and mind that way I can keep my anxiety non-existent for the most part. I’ll probably go on this trail I see people biking and running on, I’ve lived here for almost a year now and still have not checked it out yet, maybe I’ll meet some interesting people who deal with the same issues I do which means I’ll be possibly be able to gain some insight on what else I can do to not worry so much.

I took a quick break for the holiday so that I could rejuvenate and come here with something a little lighter to give you all so you could enjoy but instead I don’t have anything to give except my sorry sad self. I don’t feel good about myself or anything for that matter and right about now I don’t care to feel any better, remember my last post about how I said something might be happening that’s not good? Well it happened and I’m not surprised one bit because that’s usually how it goes when it comes to that part of my life so I’m not all that surprised, I’m more disappointed than anything especially because it seemed like a sure thing but I should’ve known better. I don’t have the slightest bit of happiness right now and I’m not gonna try and make the most out of it and force myself to be happy, I feel like I should stop breathing and let go, I feel like everyone can smile except me. I’m at a limit of what I can handle and I’m just ready to throw in the towel and leave everything behind, it’ll be someone else’s problem and at least I’ll have some peace of mind. I know it’s not ok to think that way but I’m not feeling great so it’s all I got at the moment, I know this wasn’t something anyone wanted to read but this is my blog and this is what I’m feeling right now. I could’ve lied to everyone and made some random shit up but that’s not what I do and I damn sure won’t do that to the person who believes in me to do great things with this blog and gave me this opportunity to tell my story. I love her dearly and too much to just throw this away, I wanna feel happy at some point but right about now that won’t happen and it’s gonna take awhile if I’m gonna recover at all. I hate this feeling and I should hate a lot of things that caused this but I’m not gonna go down that road for safety reasons for me and that situation. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t around…

I’m not having the best night, I feel like I’m gonna be in a million pieces before the night is over. I’m feeling like no matter what I do it’s not gonna change the fact of what’s going on, I can’t say what exactly is going on but I can say that it’s not going to be great with my anxiety and mental health. I’m trying to hold it together but I have so many scenarios playing out in my head and it’s not pretty, I don’t want to jump to conclusions but I have nothing to go on and it’s bothering me deeply. I just want a sign that everything will be ok and that it’s just in my head, I’m afraid that something will happen to me if I don’t get a response or if what I’m thinking will happen does indeed go through… My head is spinning and I’m just feeling like I’m approaching my limit with everything and it’s got me in a spiral, I wanna stop thinking about negative thoughts but I can’t shake the feeling that something will end up being bad and with my luck it’ll probably happen. I won’t be able to sleep tonight for sure and I’m already upset about that, I wanna feel numb and I wanna erase these feelings of pain but I have to sit here and deal with them until I know exactly what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna try and wait it out with extreme stress and hopefully something happens in a good way 😢

I went to see my sister, I gave her a surprise visit and she was thrilled. She’s close to recovery which means she’ll be released sooner rather than later, we were reminiscing about growing up and talking about things we will do once she gets out. She’s missed out on the last 3 years so she wants to catch up on a lot of things, finally going to college is one thing she wants to do even if it has to be online, she’s been in there right after she graduated high school so I can definitely tell she’s ready to start her life as an adult now. I’ll be taking care of her so she’ll always have some help with any of her medical needs on top of anything else around the house, I’ll make sure she’s very comfortable which in turn will make my stress and anxiety much better. Seeing her recover under my care will still have it’s moments of stress due to me over thinking something will go wrong but I’ll be confident I can do a good job. I’ve been feeling like she’s a little down on herself because she needs a caretaker but I know she is aware that it isn’t her fault that her body decided to screw her over, I’m always feeling like I need to stress out over her health and how much I need to do to make sure I screw up her situation anymore than it already is. I’m a little confident I’ll be of some help if even for a little bit, I’ll make sure I can be the best help she needs that way we can both relax in comfort and stress free.

Sorry for the delay with a new post, I had a busy couple days and I really needed to get my energy back. I’m not feeling so stressed out now that my sister and her recovery is starting to pick up more. She’s been getting her breathing back to the point she is no longer on a machine to help out, the only issue now is her walking which she still needs a wheelchair to get around. It’s a huge relief off of my mind because now I don’t think about if she’ll stop breathing anymore, my anxiety was constantly up thinking about losing her. Today I woke up more calm than I’ve been in months and that’s most likely due to the fact that so far I haven’t received any type of ridiculous news concerning any bad situations with family. I wish I could see a smile from my mother and grandmother because I know they’d tell me I’m doing a good job with what I was entrusted, I wanna continue to make them proud so they can see that I’m not slacking off and them giving me an important job wasn’t for nothing. I was looking at the last two photos they were in before leaving me and had some tears, I miss them so much and would give anything to see them one last time, I’d do anything to see a smile and spend a whole 24 hours with them again. I do often think about this and part of it is where my stress falls from, I don’t wanna always be down and out but this is something that can’t be helped. I won’t let it stop me from living my life though, I’ll keep myself up and running for my family.

Today is my Grandmother’s Birthday, she passed away a few months after my mother from Brain & Lung Cancer. It’s not something I wanna think about but it’s not easy to let it go, when my mother suddenly passed the family took over what she was doing by caring for her so she’d be comfortable. We knew she’d eventually pass but it was still hard to accept that fact, we wanted her to be as comfortable as possible while she fought her illness. Me, my sister and girlfriend at the time moved in with her so that we could keep an eye on her. I’m thankful my mother wasn’t here to see her passing but I’m also upset that she didn’t get to see her mother one last time before she passed away. Watching her go back and forth to her Chemotherapy appointments were depressing but I knew she needed to go so that it would give her a fighting chance, it was a long shot but any type of medical help was enough to ease my anxiety. I didn’t wanna tell anyone that I was feeling like running away because it was so much going on with a sudden death from my mother then my grandmother getting worse, she woke up one morning saying it was hard for her to breathe so we got her to a hospital. Finding out she needed a machine to help with her breathing and that she only had a week at the most made my mental health skyrocket, it was too close to my mother leaving me and I was nowhere near over that. The days were going by and all we could think about is how bad our luck was that year, we got so much stress added on that I contemplated suicide for a sec. I kept it to myself because I was trying to be strong in front of my family, we went to the hospital on the last day they had to take her off the machine and we had our last moments with her playing all her favorite music. I looked at her eyes get weaker and weaker until she finally closed them, the doctor came over and then the line finally came out, she had finally passed… So many tears and people walking out from this that made me not wanna be there anymore, we left out the room and I just couldn’t really breathe. I told everyone I was alright but really deep down I wanted to let it all go…

Hello world, today will be a sort of different post on my weekend, I had a relatively good one which was good because I didn’t need the added stress on top of adulting. I feel some relief with my mental health so I’m actually all smiles today versus other days when I’m feeling like I wanna rip someone head off. I’ve been doing nothing but keeping my head straight with positive thoughts and had nothing but positive energy around me this weekend, had a nice chat with my sister about the holidays and if course I’m gonna be visiting her while she’s disabled and in a rehabilitation center. She’s pretty excited about the holidays to come since she knows she won’t be alone, I wish I could take her out of there but it’ll be ok since she’ll be surrounded by loved ones. Going into the week I’d like for everything to stay as they are right now, it’s the best I’ve been feeling these past 2 months and I want the feeling to continue on. I’ll most likely be doing my Thanksgiving shopping this week and start preparing for the long and tedious cooking, I’m doing it a little big this year so I want it all to be perfect and most importantly I want to be able to give my sister a nice Thanksgiving feast while she’s recovering. I guess we will see how everything pans out for the most part but I’m confident that it will. For the rest of the day I’m gonna relax and keep myself busy from my thoughts and stay occupied, it’s pretty cold out so if I do leave out for walk or something I’ll be sure to come back in before I get sick. I’m gonna call my brothers and see if they’ll be coming by or if they have plans with their own friends and families. I hope to post another positive post tomorrow, it’ll be nice to go 2-0 just once.